single parenthood

Well, it finally happened, I had to go back to work this morning. I know, you all are crying for me, because you feel terrible that I just finished a 6 week vacation and most of you have worked through the summer. Anyway, when the alarm went off at 5:00 I hit the snooze button several times. It was hard to drag myself to the shower. I got up, finally at 5:30, started my regular routine but somewhere in there, I forgot to put on my jewelry and make-up. Talk about looking scary today. I have 25 children on my list and everyone who sees the names tell me what a wonderful group I have. That is a relief.

Kiran was a trooper this morning. She slept while I dressed her, woke up in time to put on her seatbelt and fall back to sleep. She woke up when we got to daycare and has been smiling ever since. Her daycare loves her and she loves her daycare provider. Last night she did tell me that she was sad that summer was over and there wouldn't be that many mommy days. Then she asked if we would have next summer and told her we have around 13 more of them together.

I am feeling much better. On Thursday I celebrated the beginning of my 43rd year and it was like a new beginning. Maybe it was knowing I was starting back into my routine and wouldn't have so much time to think.

In the last two days, I started Weight Watchers again. Eating right and drinking my water also helps with my moods, that is for sure. It is a balmy 68 degrees outside and it is starting to feel like fall. Another reason to smile.

Thanks to everyone and their kind words. They really do help.

Luv ya,

We are having a rough couple of days in these parts. Kiran has been throwing at least two good tantrums, in public mind you, every day. It wasn't until today I realized that she does this every summer. My guess is that with me going back to work on Monday, her starting daycare again and kindergarten, she is feeling the pressure. She still looks so sweet and snuggable when she is sleeping.

Her friends are Sally, the elephant, and Scruffy the puppy. She has been falling asleep in her own bed but I awake everynight sleeping next to her in my bed. When she comes in she brings a pillow, her animals and milk. That is a lot to move in my book every night.

Life for me, is ok, but I just feel so lonely. I know that everyone here cares, my family has no clue that I am feeling like this, and I have great friends but don't want to burden them with my problems. When I try to talk to my SIL, I feel like she doesn't want to hear it and she reminds that life in other parts of the world are much worse. Yes they are, but that doesn't help me at this moment.

I am trying to transition without having Gill around. He is still calling every other day but I talk to him with indifference now. It is nice to hear his voice when he calls. He still wants to see me and spend time with me but why???

Only three actual vacation days left.....

I am going to be so relieved when I go back to work in two weeks. This summer isn't up there with one of the best. I had such high hopes in May that this might be one of the best, it never materialized that way.

Kiran starts kindergarten, we think we got the teacher we wanted but will find out for sure next week. She really has changed in the past few months. The other day she used the word obnoxious, when I asked what it meant she said irritating. She is so grown up and my baby girl is gone for ever.

My school year should be much improved then the last few. I love my new principal, I am getting a new group of children for the first time in two years. I am teaching second grade again, which I love.

Life will become crazy with trying to fit in exercise after work, driving children around, and preparing for the next day. I have decided to get involved in some committee work and am thinking about going to back to school to get my administration license.

Let's all hope that this school year proves to be one of the best.

In a few hours, it will be 5 years to the day, since I held my precious little girl in my arms. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Going to the airport the first time, only to find them not on that plane. Visiting the airport the second time and knowing she was on that plane and when the employee from KLM told me they were going through customs was the most exciting thing. She was just the cutest little thing that was so tired and she won't put her head on my shoulders to fall asleep. She didn't know how to snuggle or kiss but learned very quickly and now every night she hugs at least ten times and tells me how much she loves me. It was the and still is the happiest day of my life. I waited a long time but I believe I was meant to parent this kid. I will always be thankful for her birthparents and hope some day to find them.

Every year on "Our Day" she gets to pick what we do. Her first idea was a hotel, but with the finances as they are that wasn't in the books this year. So her second choice, having breakfast at Krispy Kreme's. Yikes, not my idea of a great breakfast but needless to say we will drive through and pick up her favorite donut.

It is hard to believe that the child I brought home from the airport is starting school this year. She also lost her second tooth today. Did I mention that a friend, who watch two days last week, came up with the big idea of redoing her bedroom? Tonight listening to the two of them plan it all out was so adorable. May I add they are going to paint her room a hot pink!! At the moment it is a calming violet.

Ok, here is the bittersweet moment, Gill and I decided to call it quits today and be friends if that is possible. My thoughts are that he never was divorced and has been married the entire time. All the evidence says that but I was to stupid or in love to realize it. What I mean by that is I was never invited to family functions, he always seemed to call me from his cell phone when he wasn't home, and so on so on..... When I put up my three conditions of staying with him, he couldn't follow through on any of them so it was time to say goodbye. I am sad but more relieved to know where we stand in our relationship. He is losing maybe the best damn thing that walked into his life. I only hope I am strong enough to realize that myself.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Mary

Today, Kiran and I had the pleasure of meeting Taz and Chris. They are such wonderful people. We met for lunch on my favorite street in St Paul, Grand Ave. Chris brought us two cinnamon rolls from one of my favorite bread stores. Kiran who ate most of her naked noodles, and some ice cream, couldn't wait until we got home to try her roll. She ate most of it and is saving the rest until tomorrow for breakfast.

After we left Chris and Taz we walked down Grand and stopped in Ten Thousand Villages and Kiran found a necklace from India she just had to have. Then it was off to my favorite bookstore called the Red Balloon. The day couldn't have been nicer for a walk on Grand.

Life seems to be on the mend.

People are being killed all over the world, children are starving to death, the world is going to hell and I am sitting here have my own pity party.

Yesterday, Gill came over and it seemed like old times. Just hanging out and spending time together. I was the one who brought up the subject of getting back together with his ex or not. He again told me that he is still in shock by it all. Not so sure what to do about it all.

Then I told him that if he was going to continue seeing me I needed to set down some rules.

#1 All four of us need to spend together, Gracia, Kiran and us.

#2 I would like to start being invited to family functions.

#3 We need to spend more time together.

This would all have to happen once he decides what he was doing with his life. He did tell me that he isn't telling Gracia about the proposal from the ex.

Only time will tell on this.

Then, my closest two friends went out of town together with two others today. They went to one of the others parent's cabin. Ok, this group I have been hanging out with 15 years. My two closet friends are my cousin Kim, and Karin (who I think the world of). Anyway, I don't get invited because Lynn doesn't like me. She has never told anyone why but I have my own thoughts on that. She finds me to competitive at gives, doesn't like me talking about the real world problems because it is easier not to face them, silly reason if you ask me.

Ok, so she doesn't invite me to her cabin but doesn't think twice about inviting me to her birthday party which was a $50 ticket to see REO Speedwagon. If I would have known I would not have gone. It is frustrating. Did I mention that I think every person in the Metro that I would hang out with is out of town this weekend also.

Thank goodness I have Kiran.

Enough, life really is good in most respects. This too, should all pass......

Thanks for the all support you guys and girls.